cluttered

Sometimes I get so frustrated with my cluttered life. I started a sewing project today- (a shirt & dress for my 4-year old niece Nora) and as I was using my sewing I got into a little snag and looked for my machine and manual and couldn't find it anywhere. Now to most people this would not be a big deal, but today I was in the perfect mood for a project and everything was laid out, had been cut and was ready to sew. 

 It all started when I wrote down my goals for 2009; I wanted a year of change. A year that was simplified, de-cluttered and cleared out! So I cleared out our attic (still a ways to go) cleaned out all the kitchen cabinets, my closet, Brooklyn's closet, the garage. The great thing about clutter is you know where everything is... when everything's put away- it's a new spot and who knows where that new spot it? I don't. But all's well that ends well (is that the saying?) because a few hours later, as I was polishing the glass on my new car- I spotted all my sewing machine stuff! It was all thrown on my husband's work bench- a perfect spot for a craft box.

things that change

So as I sit in my house... for the third day in a row (from an ice storm) a friend suggests I start a blog. A blog about my thoughts about being a mom etc.- what's funny is I never thought I was good at writing- my english teacher said you must read twice as much as you write (so I assumed I would never be able to read enough to write) I know her comment wasn't to deter me from writing... it's just a comment that sticks out in my mind, you know?

 

What's different now... my life is totally different. It's weird even seeing those words typed and knowing how insignificant they seem in comparison to what lies behind them. Change. My "word theme" for 2009; already I've sold my first car (My silver Jetta) I've had for 10-years and got a "mom car" or what some people call an SUV. Ok, it's an Acura MDX  and for the record, it's amazing! Actually a dream car. I have wanted one since I drove my mom's back in college.

Last year I was an art teacher, around 100+ people a day. Thriving, creating. laughing, sighing, working, grading, dreaming and gone all day. Now I wake up excited that I got a handful of hours back-to-back, hoping my baby will sleep late so I can have some alone time, then feeling guilty for wanting alone time, then seeing him and forgetting the later. I see him- his smile, the one that changes me. Like my husbands did long ago- now our child. His every little accomplishment I play over and over in my mind- unbelieving that this little baby I gave birth to can crawl, stand in his crib and is cutting a tooth. Never have these little growing pains excited me so much. 

Now he cries- not wanting to surrender to sleep... and me wishing he would quickly. Some weeks I do nothing but take care of my house, my husband and our baby. No "productive" things from the outside, no salary, no time-card, no bonuses, no reviews- just getting up and taking care of everything.  Honestly, deep-down inside there is no where else I would rather be... but some days it's very hard. I get lonely, restless and feel overwhelmed. My baby who I know so intimately can't communicate through words and this is very hard. I wish he could understand: sleep is good, you'll feel better and act better after it. And so will mom!  

A lot of the time, I sit and think I wish Brooklyn would "get this" and then I realize it's a life lesson-  a lesson I could also use.  Patience, understanding, doing what's hard- even though it's right, consistency- Love. The true meaning of it, not what my married-version of it was. True love- when you're tired, exhausted and at your last end- the caring and understanding needed for a child. The care and understanding my heavenly Father shows me.  I'm His child. That's still amazing to me- I'm the child who cries out, who doesn't understand, who wants her own way and who pushed when she knows she should trust. 

Quiet now. Here's a mom-decision. Do something productive: look at my to-do list, do the dishes, laundry, return calls, make bed, make dinner, vacuum.... or do something just for me. Something that helps me recoup, re-energize and feel like more then a mom. More then a Chore-doer & a Baby-care-taker. What's so amazing about being a mom is that it's SO MUCH harder then working- about 1,000 times. I used to think moms who work, had it harder- NO. They get out of being with their kids all day, that's where the badge is earned. The day in and

day out care for a child.  

My husband and I have made many sacrifices for me to stay home with our son and future children- but sacrifices that are all worth it.   For years we have paid off debt, saved, lived below our means, kept older cars, kept a smaller house, eaten at home, gone to $1 movies... all of these things add up to living in a strict budget. Living then like few- so I could raise our son at home. 

I was trying to think of a comparison for someone who hasn't had children yet. Here you go: You when you write something good? Something you LOVE and read over and over again? Then you read something someone else writes and you like it, but you don't get it like you get your own writing, you don't personalize with every bit of your own writing and then you find more in each sentence after you read it again, then you see yourself in the whole thing... well that's a little bit like how it is when you have a child. You feel different toward your child, because it literally came out from you- like when you write something great.